this was a day in which deep inside my heart, i wanted to ask, "oh god.... why?"

today i woke up 55 min later than i was supposed to, took 10min to get ready and rushed off to catch the bus in hope of not being late on the first day of work.
i was putting on my contacts when i couldn't find one side of them (i think i dropped it somewhere when i took it off yesterday unknowingly) and wore only one side for the whole day(the rest of my contact lenses were in hall).
i forgot to bring my scandals back from hall and wore one which caused me blisters for the rest of the day.
my handphone went dead in the morning and my charger's in hall, just when it was a day which i badly needed the phone.
what could make my day worse.

*then the soc pple came over to my place for some supposedly og gathering at night. very few of the freshies came, mainly seniors around.
someone : "what kind of planning is this, so few freshies came??"
and so the blame came to me YET AGAIN. why me? at least i tried my best to ask others to come.
at least i opened my place for the gathering.
i tried, to make it successful, to make it work, to make everyone happy, to please all of you. i tried.. in case u didn't know, it was a tiring day of work.. was out distributing magazines since early the morning. i didn't complain, i didnt quip. why must you say such hurtful words, when i didn't mind doing the planning, the bookings for all of you.
for the first time, i teared instantly, in the function room. i just couldn't help it anymore. i used to be able to hide it well, at least for another 5 min or so, when i could successfully leave the place and sob in my cosy corner, where no one else could see. i didn't know if anyone saw as i was desperately trying to hide it all.
but i guess they/he realised something was wrong, and was surprisingly nicer to me when i went back after weeping at home.
i called daddy to ask if he could fetch me back to hall at night as i desperately needed the phone + contact lenses. he said okay.
**when the gathering ended, at 11pm, i went up and daddy said : "you expect me to wait for you till 11+ and fetch you back?"
i couldnt bathe, take stuffs that i wanted to to hall and had to rush back to catch the bus,mrt,bus back to hall - at 11+pm.

i called X when * happened and X was out. i understand that X was busy and it wasn't convenient to talk. but i desperately needed a leaning shoulder. maybe i was expecting too much. i couldn't say much cuz it wasn't the appropriate timing. it was a short call and i coudn't tell how terrible i felt, how i needed some consolation, how i needed someone to remind me that i didn't have to please everybody. i thought X could detect something. that i was down. that i was sobbing. that i felt so maligned. but i guess it was me whose expecting the whole world to know me how i'd feel, to understand me even without me explaining. i remember carmen telling me once how 'he' could detect even a tinge of unhappiness she felt. probably i hoped X was like that as well.. then again, not everyone had that kind of sensitiviy, that kind of telepathy. even i can't be that sensitive to others, how can i expect others to be that way?

i'm sorry that i didn't call you back once i reached hall. i wasn't in a right state of mind to talk to you. i guess i needed some time to think, to ponder, to be alone. you can't be there so often for me as much as i know you want to. i need to be more independant. i know i may have been asking too much of you, i'm sorry.. it's just that i turn to you for everything, and that was how dependant i am. but it clearly shows that i shouldn't anymore rely so much on you, that it does us no good.

to colin : thanks, for asking them/him to stop pushing the blame on me. though i expected it from someone else, it came from you instead. you didn't know how appreciative and touched i felt. from the bottom of my heart, thank you =)

i do get hurt, and even more than others, i get affected by things much easily. you don't see it just because i hide it so well, so perfectly, so flawlessly. 1:24 AM